Reaching out

It's been just over two weeks since I reorganized my studio and I'm happy to say that it remains in a general state of cleanliness and organization. I still have some stuff that is straggling in the living room and needs a home, but it's pretty minimal. Initially I was worried that not having everything within arms reach would hinder my ability and motivation to be creative but I've found quite the opposite to be true. When I'm ready to work on a project, I open my closet door and can immediately find everything I need, and for the most part I don't have to move anything else out of the way. It's refreshing to not have everything in my field of vision allowing me to focus more easily on whatever project I'm working on. It was definitely worth the time and effort!

Knowing when to ask for help

I've been spending a lot of time thinking about where I am in life and what makes me tick in an effort to be happier and healthier. It feels weird admitting this and throwing it out into the void of the internet, but I think mental health is important and shouldn't be such a taboo thing to talk about. I recently decided to start seeing a therapist to work out some emotional demons that have bothered me for quite some time (some of them all my life.) I've felt overwhelmed with and distracted by negativity lately to the point that it's been challenging for me to see and enjoy all the good things I have. I started journaling more this year and some of the themes that came out of it lead me to realize that I could benefit from working with a professional. 

Known concerns:

  • I have difficulty sitting still and being reflective, I always feel like I need to be doing something and yet there are so many things I *could* be doing that I have a hard time doing any of it. It's easier to surf Facebook and see the interesting things everyone else is doing than to do interesting things myself. 
  • I have an irrational fear of failure which causes a debilitating fear of trying. 
  • I'm good at starting projects, trying new things, exploring new places, but when it comes down to finishing a task or really dedicating myself to a skill, I fall flat and lose motivation easily. 
  • My parents bailed on raising me when I was 8 and barely made an effort prior to that which I think has resulted in me being afraid of abandonment and afraid to pursue friendships because I'm worried I'll just bother someone. 
  • Most frustratingly of all, I still feel the fallout of emotionally abusive relationships with people I haven't seen in years. 

It's overwhelming but I'm certain all of this is something I can move past and let go of because I have such an amazing network of support. I can't let a few people ruin my perspective or quality of life. 

Looking at the positive 

This past weekend, I hosted the February Women's Parkour Meetup at Fight or Flight Academy. It was a lot of fun as always, but I felt depressed about the things that caused my leg pain or made me afraid. It's disheartening when I can only last about an hour before just about anything hurts it. 

Later that afternoon, I decided to bring my hoops down to the garage where it was warm(ish) and I have some open space to move. I may not feel up to jumping and running yet, but I can still hoop well enough. I set my laptop up to record the session in the interests of seeing how rusty I've become since I haven't worked at it much lately. 

To me it looks sloppy and there are so many point that make me cringe, but I posted the video to YouTube and Facebook to start up the habit of posting progress videos. I was floored by the kind words and support from friends and family. They helped me see that what is sloppy to me, is magical to others and I shouldn't get so bogged down in the negativity. It was also a great reminder that I whenever I'm feeling down, I should do something that makes me instantly happy, like hooping or art. 

My friend Angela suggested that I give aerial silks a try to see if it would be easier on my leg while still giving me an awesome workout, so this Sunday I'm going to check out her "Skill Share with Hazmat". I've been wanting to try silks since the day I saw them performed so I can't express how excited I am to finally have it on my calendar. In March I'm also going to try the Intro to Pole Dancing class at Knockout Bodies with some of my friends since there was a great Living Social deal recently. 

Thanks to some very wise words from a mentor, I'm realizing that while I've found a tribe in parkour, it may not be the only path for me right now. It's a goal and something I will keep working with, but instead of bogging myself down in the negativity of not being able to do it all right now, I can explore other possibilities too. Silks and pole dancing will have a lot to contribute to parkour too. It all flows together. 

I am not afraid of storms, for I am learning how to sail my ship.
— Louisa May Alcott